I started this blog after reading a piece my friend wrote on dating in Sudan. As insightful as it is it had me wondering what does the dating scene look like in Ethiopia?
“Where do you find ‘love’ in Addis?”
To even begin writing this blog as a single 25-year-old myself, I couldn’t help but ask myself “where do you find love in Addis?” which is the same question Thuraya asked on her blog making one wonder- is this question universal? But before jumping into conclusion that finding love has become very difficult, I posed this question to a more outgoing extrovert friend of mine Lilian*. Lilian is a 26-year-old corporate lawyer who is also one of the most radical feminists I have met. I knew that with her level of analysis for this question would give me a better perspective to answer the question.
“It isn’t very hard to find someone to date nowadays which is ironically making dating harder- it’s giving us the illusion that there’s too much option out there. Now, there are many places you can meet a potential ‘date’ whether it’s in Cafés, night outs, work and professional settings, through mutual friends and of course we are living in a digital age so online (social media and dating sites) is a very accessible opportunity.” Lilian replied to my question.
Over the last few years, I have noticed the cultural shift to meeting a partner online. Hearing stories of couple who have met through Instagram is no longer news. Neither is dating sites as stigmatized as it used to be with even local apps like jebena or kum neger trending.
On the contrary and picking up from this conversation with Lilian my guy friend Leul* who is a 28-year-old Radiology Resident Doctor at a public hospital added that “… Knowing that a young woman is approached by many potentials both online and offline has made it intimidating to approach women and to stand out from all the men that may be interested. A lot of fellow young men are feeling like we are incompetent because there’s someone with better looks, more money and more swag in her radar”. In this context it would be fair to assume that there are different outlooks to finding love in Addis while some see that liberalization of the society as an opportunity for some it feels like an intimidating challenge that did not exist before.
What are we looking for in a relationship?
When talking about dating in Addis my follow up question is “What are the common traits looked for in a partner?” Gone are the days when a suitor's access to connections and capital were the be-all and end-all. With increased access to girls’ education and more women entering workforce and achieving financial stability, my circle shows me that today's Addis’s women have their eyes on a different prize - one that speaks to their ambitions beyond the domestic sphere. They want partners who can engage them intellectually, support their career aspirations, and offer an emotional intimacy that goes deeper than the latest bank statement.
When me and my friend’s get-together and discuss love life I am so grateful for how far we have come. I know my grandmother wouldn’t comprehend the level of autonomy and agency we are able to exercise. Although my experience in no way reflects the majority of Ethiopian women my age; I notice our privilege very well! I stand on the sacrifices of so many fierce feminists before me who have paved the way! Yet, my circle continues to surprise me; in a positive way! Mainly because I know the headspace we are in isn’t accepted by our society including (our age-mates) that prioritize marriage over anything. Our conversation reflects the change in power dynamics but also a level of confidence to be firm with we are looking for or to be fine with being single until we find it.
On my birthday (few weeks ago), the conversation spiraled into “what we look for in a potential partner?” (for those that are ready) well, the answers from the group warmed my heart. We look for partnership, respect, a sense of equality, autonomy, interdependence, connection, conversation, support, friendship etc. “I mean I can pay my rent, my bills and literally pamper myself financially so I have no reason to settle down for someone who does not fit my standard” Lilian would always say. On this note, it is not news that this mentality is met with fierce resistance from everyone around us, I once came across a ‘relationship guru’ in some event and we got into a four-hour conversation where he firmly tried to convince me “the higher up you climb the career and financial ladder, the less attractive you become to men”. This is the type of advice all over Tik-tok and YouTube.
This may be why on the flip side and consumerist version of ‘what we are looking for in a relationship’ the emerging of Tik-tok and popularity of Instagram are playing an important factor into picking a partner. Now in a wider pool of potential partners available through dating apps and social media, couples place a greater emphasis on finding someone with shared hobbies, café adventures and content creation. The ability to create "couple goals" content has become an attractive trait.
Instagram-able love
The rapid digitalization of dating and relationships in Ethiopia, particularly in the capital city of Addis Ababa, has transformed the city into a hub for services and businesses catering to the evolving couple culture. It’s quite a humorous normal to notice a flower on your table while you’re having coffee with your girls or romantic music playing the background while you’re having a café meeting as Addis is brimming with entrepreneurs catering to the needs of its romantics.
A supply born out of the demand of residents no longer content with the coffee shops of yesteryear, Addis's couples are demanding more specialized venues to wine, dine and woo. Chic rooftop bars, couples-only movie spaces, ‘paint and sip events’ and "date night" packages at luxury hotels have sprung up to meet this growing demand.
In short, the days of the simple, no-frills date night are long gone in Addis Ababa. These days, the city's couples are seeking out experiences that are equal parts luxurious, Insta-worthy, and - of course - utterly unforgettable. After all, when you're curating the ultimate #couplegoals moment, why settle for anything less than absolute perfection?
But it's not just the culinary and experiential side of romance that has seen a change in the Ethiopian capital. Gone are the days when the mere mention of "relationship counseling" would elicit little more than scandalized whispers and disapproving gossip. Nowadays, these once-taboo topics have become an essential part of the modern Addis romance toolkit, with an army of relationship coaches, and self-proclaimed "love experts" vying for the attention (and hard-earned birr) of the city's lovestruck populace.
It's not just the couples themselves who are lapping up this newfound relationship wisdom, either. Nope, these days, you'd be hard-pressed to find an Addis resident - single, married, or otherwise - who isn't furiously scrolling through their TikTok feed, soaking up the latest pearls of relationship advice from a dizzying array of social media "influencers." Well, I was once intrigued by my algorithm when I noticed that I had heavily landed on the Ethiopian couple content side of tik-tok. On this side of Tik-tok exists endless vlogs of couples taking care of each other, couple pranks and dating coaches.
What I found more concerning was the views and likes of such contents including a trending content creator that claims to be a ‘femininity coach’. Such contents are breeding a sense of objectifying women so they are ’fit’ for the ‘competitive’ coupling market. Hence, the rise of the lavish relationship-focused services in Addis Ababa is not happening in a vacuum - it is part of a broader cultural shift driven by the ever-increasing emphasis on attaining unattainable beauty standards and the booming business of the beauty industry in the city.
Across Addis, one cannot help but be inundated with the relentless messages and marketing of the beauty and cosmetic industry. From the cosmetic shops and salons, to the overflowing "makeup artists" offering their services, to the endless parade of human hair extension shops and nail bars, the pressure to conform to a certain aesthetic ideal is palpable. Influencers and aspiring influencers alike peddling an idealized vision of beauty, one that is often heavily filtered, edited, and airbrushed to perfection.
All in all, one could argue that this preoccupation with creating the perfect date night experience, complete with all the trappings of luxury and exclusivity, betrays a certain degree of materialism and status-seeking among Addis's rising middle and upper classes. After all, the time and extravagant resources required to curate such elaborate, Instagram-able outings are not exactly accessible to everyone in the city. That’s why I want to argue that the need to constantly one-up each other, to present a carefully cultivated facade of romantic bliss, appear as the picture-esque ‘it’ girlfriend has undoubtedly contributed to a culture of excess, decadence and ostentation when it comes to dating and courtship in Addis.
Single-ton in Addis
Now that the city has become one giant, meticulously curated wedding album, with everyone seemingly coupled up and racing towards the alter - and if you dare to be the lone holdout, well, may God have mercy on your poor, single soul!
I can just imagine it now - you're sitting at another family gathering, when Aunt Almaz just can't resist herself any longer. "So, my dear, when are you finally going to bring a nice young man home for us to meet? Your cousins are all married now, you know. Time is ticking!" And before you can even muster a polite response, your mother is chiming in, already planning the Ga’at (a traditional bridal shower) and guest list for the wedding of the century.
You know, the more I ponder the relentless pressure to couple up in Addis Ababa, the more I can't help but wonder - why is singleness so routinely cast as a state of inherent lack or incompleteness? Why must we view those who dare to walk an independent path as somehow deficient or "less than" their married counterparts?
Afterall, in a city so saturated with the consumerist trappings of romantic love, the single individual can defiantly assert their independence, refusing to be defined by the opinions of nosy neighbors, well-meaning relatives, or the relentless marketing of the marriage-industrial complex. Those young women and men in Addis who are resisting the urge to couple up at the first opportunity, who are taking the time to explore, to grow, to find their own authentic paths - they are the true heroes. They are the ones who are resisting the trend, who are refusing to be defined by family pressure and the consumerist, romantic marketing that seeks to reduce us all to a matching pair.
The choice of whether to be in a relationship, date, or remain single should be a deeply personal one, free from the relentless pressures and societal expectations. The point is, there is no one-size-fits-all blueprint for living a meaningful, joyful existence. And it is high time that the residents of Addis Ababa - from the most traditionalist of parents to the most vocal of social media influencers - recognize and celebrate this fundamental truth.
So, the next time you find yourself tempted to unleash a torrent of unsolicited advice upon the single-tons of Addis, I implore you to pause, take a long, hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself: "Whose life am I really trying to fix here?" Because trust me, my dear, the grass is just as green on the other side too.